http://steeleyes.blog.co.uk/

Adulter(y)ated Jokes

Tue, 07 Jun 2005 13:25:11 +0200

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down
when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so
glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I
misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that
McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn came
to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off
his hat during Mass and I figured he would leave it in the back of
church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's
hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal
McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10
commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about
'Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your
hat than burn in Hell, right?"

Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father, after you talked about
'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine.

At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?"

She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!?!"

"Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."

"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and...

"You God damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!!"

Comments

Chained for Life

Tue, 07 Jun 2005 13:07:11 +0200

A mail that was waiting for me with a cunning grin on its face earnestly when I logged in today.

I wanted to thank all my friends and family who have forwarded chain letters to me in 2003, 2004 & 2005. Because of your kindness:-

I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.

I smell like a wet dog since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer.

I don't leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and sometimes I even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.

I also have stopped answering the phone for fear that they may ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore and Tokyo.

I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will get sick from the rat faeces and urine.

I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I made expecting the $15,000, that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail program, would arrive soon.

My free Nokia phone never arrived and neither did the free passes for a paid vacation to Disneyland.

I'm still open to help some from Bulgaria who wants to use my account to transfer his uncle property of some hundreds of millions of dollars...

Made some hundred wishes before forwarding those mails. Now most of those "wishes" are already married (to someone else).

Note: Please send this to atleast 10 other people to stop getting any chain mails in the future. IF you ignore it, you will be tagged for the rest of your life and your email ID will be submitted to www.chainmailedforlife.com. The future is in your hands.....

Oh Hell Yeah!!

Comments

A name for a blog?

Tue, 07 Jun 2005 11:15:30 +0200

Certain bloggers just exit their space without a trace. But not without leaving a masterpiece behind. Here is one. Our hero: the Grammarian.

A summary: A collection of crazy names for blogs, which had me reconsider even my own blog name. For originality's sake I stuck onto mine.
A few noteworthy ones:

Our Daily Broad
You Have Nowhere To Go Butt-Up
Rain Fell Into My Whiskey Glass, Dampening My Spirits
Click To Remove
Watch For Falling Blogs
Houston, We Have A Banana
Blogasm!!!
To Be, Not To Be, Whatever
Untytled
I Think, Therefore I, Um, Hmm . . .

Comments

Stupidly asked

Sun, 05 Jun 2005 10:44:04 +0200

One cannot help when somebody asks a stupid question totally unbecoming of the situation, or rather out of sheer habit. The only solution: an equally stupid reply.

At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends...
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:- Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here..

In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you try again?

At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people?
Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?

At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years...
Stupid Question:- Munna, Chickoo! , you've become so big.
Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:- No,he's a miserable wife-beating , insensitive lout...it's just the money.

When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping...?You dumb witted moron.

When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding......

You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks...
Stupid Question: Oh, ! so! you smoke.
Answer:- Gosh, it's a miracle .......it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!

Comments

A Kick in theBrain

Sun, 05 Jun 2005 10:18:42 +0200

Not long ago, I received a kick in my brain and I realized things are happening in India.
In my friend Krips room was a photo on the table that I was staring at while he went to another room to fetch some notes. Staring at me back were three people with big-toothed smiles: two guys and a beautiful girl with one of the guys holding her by the waist. By the way they snuggled close to each other it was difficult not to assume they were lovers. The heart wrenched out and the brain tried to fathom why I didn't have such a girl by my side. After all, does it take much to get the affection of the fairer sex, especially the fairest of them? Does it take an unassuming understanding that things will go well with time or was I doing something wrong? Did I have to try harder? Did I have to be nicer?
"Dude, what are you looking at? Oh! That....", says my friend, who had returned.
"Who are they?"
"My friends. These are M.... and S... She is K....."
"Lovers, eh!?" pointing towards the couple.
"No, they are brother-sisters."
"Uh huh?! Him?” pointing to the loner.
"That’s his gay partner."
Kick.
"You don't trust me?" says my friend with a no-nonsense look in his eyes.
No, I trust you my friend. It’s just that I don't trust myself any longer.

Comments

The Big Headerache

Fri, 03 Jun 2005 12:09:35 +0200

It took me almost 2 hours to get it done, but finally a job I am really satisfied at. The job: to choose a header image for the blog.>" class="middle" border="0">

Conveniently began with a Google Image Search on "eccentric", to view a whole lot of weird pictures including those of some statistic phenomenon called 'eccentricity'( something to do with an ellipse, if I remember), beautiful models, old men on bicycles and what not. But a thorough search finally brought it down to three finalists.

No questions were asked since there was only one judge. Al-Supremo.

Header Image First Runner-up

Header Image Second Runner-up

Comments

He He He!!! I wouldn't do this!!!

Fri, 03 Jun 2005 10:14:50 +0200

My sister sent a forward to me today, very unusual of her, but indeed funny. Here it goes...

Marty woke up at home with a huge hangover. He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sat down and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Martyed around the room and saw that it was in perfect order, spotless, clean. So was the rest of the house. He took the aspirins and noticed a note on the table, "Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he went to the kitchen and sure enough there was hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son was also at the table, eating. Marty asked, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son said, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway,
and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Marty asked, "So, why is everything in order and so clean,
and Breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replied, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

Comments

Galileo's last laugh!!!

Fri, 03 Jun 2005 10:03:13 +0200

To the JOY and RELIEF of those, who thought that Galileo lived a life
of subservience without having the oportunity to stand for his
convictions, I have an interesting piece of trivia

On display at the Museo di Storia del Scienza in Florence, Italy is a
reliquary that holds the right hand finger of our harassed scientist,
pointing towards the heavens. As if making a final stand for eternity,
against the accusations of heresy against the church, for standing
upto his scientific beliefs, Galileo extends his middle finger!!!

For truth verification or otherwise more information( including a
photo), please go here

Comments

Dear Mr. Omkar....

Fri, 03 Jun 2005 09:57:18 +0200

I am a member of this Yahoo group "ece06_nitk" that has half the silent scholars in my college batch. Silent coz they hardly voice their opinions about anything at all in general, except send forwards strictly adhering to our group's humorous or emotional standards. Scholars because they understand my goofy, nonsense jokes! To lead the pack, is our dear Omkar a.k.a "Petlya"(strictly a personal usage) a.k.a. Owner of the group, who seems to have "The Great Maratha" airs around him. Frequent requests to him to stop the spam mails that we receive or atleast delete them went unheard. So I decide to make another request.

Dear Mr. Omkar.....

Kindly consider making me a moderator of this group, for reasons totally selfless. Spending 2 hours daily on an average on the net definitely isn't something that I can add in my resume but surely is something with which I can contribute towards the group by filtering those spam mails that keep bugging me and about which I cannot do anything presently with my level of clearance.

So kindly oblige, otherwise I promise you I will write bigger sentences next time :-)

Steeleyes

If this doesn't work, after a few more futile attempts ( for the joy of "trying and trying till I give up") I will finally decide to clam up.

Comments